As I sit here this week in celebration of my 35th year, I cannot help but to reflect back to this time 10 years ago. For my 25th birthday, my AMAZING sister threw me the best SURPRISE party (Being a psychic and all, it’s pretty hard to surprise me with anything) . It was one of the best days of my life and I think of it often. It was filled with so much love, laughter and carefree people (it was also filled with a lot of bartenders, which might have contributed to that carefree attitude) and it filled me with memories and pictures to last a lifetime.
As I look through the pictures from that day, I see a girl that I barely recognize and I am reminded of just how much can change in 10 years. I see pictures of her smiling, laughing and dancing, hugging friends that she no longer knows and kissing her grandmother who is no longer here to kiss. But you see, a picture is an illusion, it is just a short glimpse into a moment in time and I know the truth about that girl, about what she was really going through. I know the true story behind her smile and can immediately see all that she was hiding. I see a girl so lost, not knowing if she was running to something or from something. I see her sorrow; I see her anguish and frustration of constantly seeing doors closing not realizing that she had the strength and power inside of her to kick those doors down or find a new one. I see a girl so unsure and so afraid of what the future will be. A girl, who moments before those pictures were taken, was begging a boy to love her again (and thank god he didn’t, that boy was fucking horrific). I see her weakness, I see how tired she was from fighting a silent, internal war. I see the girl who hated herself, even though at that time, she had no idea who she even was. I see a girl, so clueless about the heart wrenching moments followed by the life changing ones that were about to hit her like a hurricane. The girl in those pictures had no idea that over the next few years should would lose both of her grandmothers, her aunt, a great friend, two dogs and a man who was a second father to her. But she also didn’t know that she was about to receive a job offer that would soon introduce her to the love of her life, her soon to be husband and co-creator of the amazing family and daughter that she would soon have and that she would build such a beautiful life, a life that she couldn’t have even dreamed of. That girl had no idea that the years between 25 & 35 would bring her so much pain and so much joy. She had no idea that those years would lead her on an incredible path of self & spiritual discovery.
I will admit, there are things that I do miss about that girl (specifically her weight…the flatness of her stomach, her wrinkle free face, the location of her boobs and her protruding collar bones (do I even have collar bones anymore?)). But I would not want to be her again – I am damn proud of the person I have become and the life I have created. In ten short (and quick, very quick) years I have grown and learned so much (like- now I know why mom jeans come up so high and that carbs really do catch-up to you). I know now that it is okay not to be okay. That you have to go through it in order to get through it. That, all though it is nice and all, you do not need validation from anyone other than yourself. That more joy comes from giving than receiving. That your passion is for you and your purpose is for others. I’ve learned to be mindful in the moment. That it’s not the thought that counts but the quality of the thought that counts. I’ve learned to not cast judgement, that everyone has a past and a story and is going through something – and while it may seem minor to you it doesn’t mean it’s not major to them. I know now that it is okay to walk away from the people and the things that no longer serve you. I’ve learned that life changes in an instant, so try to always be present – awareness in the present moment empowers you to greet what arises with love. I believe now that there is always a purpose to the pace – so don’t give up. While your preferences, feelings and opinions may change – make sure your faith is unwavering. Say what you feel and mean what you say, continue to evolve and grow and do things that set your soul on fire. But most importantly, I have learned to always believe in something bigger than yourself and that if you dig deep enough, you’ll find the answers to all of your questions inside.
Time and breath are two things you can never get back, so enjoy and honor both while you still can. ( I sure did on Tuesday, it takes a lot of time and breath to blow out 35 f-ing candles)
h0lyshift 